INT.
APARTMENT – DAY
There is dark.
We listen riyaz of Kaviraaj in loud and
crass voice.
Light comes
and we see Raghu and Raju are sitting in bed.
RAGHU
Yaar.
Ye badee museebat banee
huee
hai.
RAJU
Kya
time hua hai.
RAGHU
Abhee
teen baje hai.
RAJU
Iske
riyaz ke chakker main puri
building
ke log pareshaan hain.
RAGHU
Iska
kuch kerna hee padega.
RAJU
Hun.
Chal mere ear muffs dena.
Abhee
so ja. Kal dekhte hain.
They
switch off the light and go to sleep.
INT.
APARTMENT – DAY
Raghu
and Raju are sitting. Minchi comes there.
MINCHI
Raghu.
Raju.
RAGHU
Hello
minchi.
MINCHI
Hello.
Dekho
main tumhare liye kya
layee
hun.
RAJU
Kya.
MINCHI
Paneer
ke pakode.
RAGHU
Oh.
Thank you minchi. Tum itna
kasht
kertee kyun ho hamare liye.
MINCHI
Wo
kya hai na ki mard ke dil
ka
raste uske pet se hoker jata
hai.
Kya pata kisi roz mujhe
bhee
wo rasta mil jaye.
RAJU
Haan.
Keep dreaming. Sapno per
abhee
koi tax nahin lagaya hai
sarkaar
ne.
MINCHI
Kya.
RAGHU
Kuch nahin. Rakh do. Hum kha
lenge.
Minchi
keeps down and is about to go.
RAGHU
Are
Ruby ko machli acchee lagtee
hai.
RAJU
Umm.
Minchi.
MINCHI
Haan.
Minchi
stops on her way.
RAJU
Wo
hum log to apne dil kee baat
bolna
hee bhul gaya.
MINCHI
Kya.
Sach main. Mujhe pata tha.
Mujhe
pata tha. Ek din ye jaroor
hoga.
O god. Bolo. Jaldee bolo.
RAJU
Bol
dein.
MINCHI
Haan
bolo.
RAJU
Sach
main bol dein.
MINCHI
Haan.
Jaldee bolo. Suspense na
badhao.
RAJU
Wo
kya hai na ki hum dono ko
machli
bahut pasand hai.
MINCHI
Kya.
RAJU
Haan.
MINCHI
Oh.
Ye baat hai. Main to kuch aur
hee
samjh baithee thee.
RAJU
To kya tum humare liye banaoge-
machlee.
MINCHI
Haan
jaroor. Kyun nahin.
RAJU
Accha
suno. Olive oil main hee
banana.
Nahin to haamri body
kharab
ho jayegi.
MINCHI
Olive oil. Wo to bahut
mehnga
milta hai.
RAJU
Kya
minchi. Haamre liye itna
bhee
nahin ker saktee.
MINCHI
Haan.
Haan. Ker saktee hun. Tum
dondo
ke liye to kuch bhee ker
saktee
hun. Ok main chaltee hun.
Nahin
to mera baap chillane lagega
fir
se.
RAJU
Ok
bye.
MINCHI
Accha
tum logon ne nahane ka time
badal
liya hai kya.
RAGHU
Haan.
Lekin ab waise bhee koi
fayada
nahin hoga.
MINCHI
Kyun.
RAGHU
Hum lgon ne kapde daal ker nahana
start
ker diya hai.
MINCHI
Huh. So sad.
Minchi
goes out.
INT.
KAVIRAAJ APARTMENT – DAY
Kavirraj is
doing riyaz. Just then doorbell rings. He opens the door. Raghu and Raju come
in. Raghu is in make-up of a fat producer.
KAVIRAAJ
Are
Raju. Ye kon hain.
RAJU
Are
Kaviraaj bhiayaa. Aapki to
lottery
lag gayee.
KAVIRAAJ
Lottery.
Kaisi lottery.
RAJU
Haan.
Main kuch nahin janta.
Chaliye
autograph dijiye
phataphat.
KAVIRAAJ
Autograph.
Ye ho kya raha hai.
RAJU
Pehle
dijiye. Fir batate hain.
RAJU
Ek
photograph bhee ho jaye.
Raju
gives cell to Raghu and stands with kaviraah. Raghu clicks photo.
RAJU
Thank
you.
KAVIRAAJ
Yar
kyun itne drame ker raha hai.
RAJU
Drame.
Are aap jante nahin. Ye
kon
hain.
KAVIRAAJ
Kon hain.
RAJU
Parkhee.
KAVIRAAJ
Parkhee.
RAJU
Haan.
Madhusudan Parkhi. Bollywood
ke
famous producer.
KAVIRAAJ
Bollywood
producer. Mere ghar.
RAJU
Are
ander to bulaiye. Chai-pani
karwaiye.
Aap to naraj ker denge
inhe.
KAVIRAAJ
Oh
sorry. Sorry parkhi ji. ain
jara
stabdh ho gaya hun. Kuch
mbhee
samjh main nahin aa raha.
RAGHU
Main
samjh sakta hun aapki halat.
Jab
mujhe pehla break mila tha na,
meri
halat bhee kuch aap jaisee
ho
gayee thee.
KAVIRAAJ
Pehla
break.
RAGHU
Chaliye
ander chalker baat kerte
hain.
All
go inside.
KAVIRAAJ
Baithiye.
RAGHU
Darsaal
main nayee film bana
raha
hun. Ye museebat kab peecha
chodegi.
KAVIRAAJ
Oh
I see.
RAGHU
To
use ke liye mujhe ek adad
singer
kee talash hai. Duplicate
singer
to aajkal bahut mil jate
hain.
Lekin mujhe ek original
singer
kee talash hai. Jo mitti
se
juda ho. Chaal main rehta
ho.
Subah char baje uthker riyaz
kerta
ho.
KAVIRAAJ
Dekha
Raju. Tum sab log mujse naraj
rehte
ho ki main subh –subh riyaz
kerta
hun. Lein ab dekh rahe ho.
Mera
riyaz kitna kaam aa raha hai.
RAGHU
Haa
haan. Maine bhee apko riyaz
kerte
suuna tha. Tabhee to yaahn
tak
aaya hun.
KAVIRAAJ
Aap
kahan rehte hain.
RAGHU
Bandra.
KAVIRAAJ
Lekin
bandra to yahan se bahut
door
hai.
RAGHU
To
kya hua. Aapke riyaz kee awaz
bhee
bahut door tak jatee hai.
KAVIRAAJ
Accha
kaam kee baat kerein.
RAGHU
Haan
jaroor. Muje jara semi-classical
geet
chahiye. Lekin uske lyrics
honey
sing jaise origanl hon.
RAGHU
Aap
bana sakte hain aisa music.
KAVIRAAJ
Haan
haan jaroor.
RAJU
Accha
pasie kitne milenge.
RAGHU
Ek
gane ke 10 lakh.
KAVIRAAJ
Kya.
RAJU
Badhaee
ho Kaviraaj bhai. Badhaee.
RAGHU
Acchaa
mujhe ek do namoone gaker
to
sunaye. Per meri shart ke adhar
per.
KAVIRAAJ
Ok.
Hmm..char jam madira roj peeta hun..
Sa
re dha pa ma..
Na
koi mujhe tokta..na koi rokta.
Vodka
vodka..
RAGHU
Waah
waah..
RAGHU
Ek
aur ho jaye..
KAVIRAAJ
Sa…………
Aaj
jal neela hai
Dil
bhee khusgawar hai…
Chalo
humsafar samnder kinare
Aur
meri koi tasveer banao.
Dha
pa ma ga re sa..
RAGHU
Yahi hai. Yahi ho wo heera.
Jiskee mujhe talash thee.
Raghu
hugs Kaviraaj.
Raghu
then signs a check and gives to Kaviraaj.
RAGHU
Lekin
meri ek sharat hai.
KAVIRAAJ
Kaisee
sharat.
RAGHU
Aap
sabhee gane kisi jungle
ya
pahari per jaker banaoge.
KAVIRAAJ
Aisa
kyun.
RAGHU
Taki
nature kee feel aa sake
aur
sheher ka vatavarn in
gano
main na zhalke.
RAJU
Wao
parkhi shaeb. Kya thinking
hai
aapki. Really. Kayal ho
gaya
main to.
RAGHU
Jaldee
boliye. Maine ek aur
aadmi
ka riyaz bhee sun rakha
hai.
KAVIRAAJ
Thik
hai. Thik hai. Isme kya
hai.
Main apne gaon chala jata
hun.
Wo nadee nalon jungle
pahadon
se ghira hai. Wahin
baithker
gane banaunga sukun se.
RAGHU
Ok
Kaviraaj. Milte hain ek mahine
baad.
Namskaar.
KAVIRAAJ
Namaskaar.
EXT.
COMPOUND – DAY
Kaviraj comes
with his luggage.
RANGEELA
Kahan
ja rahe ho Kaviraaj.
KAVIRAAJ
Ja
raha hun tumhari ye chaal
chod
ker.
RANGEELA
Kyun
lottery lag gayee kya.
KAVIRAAJ
Haan
aisa hee samjho.
RANGEELA
Aisa
bhee kya ho gaya.
KAVIRAAJ
Bas
thode dino main tum sab
mere
aage peeche bhagoge.
RANGEELA
Kyun.
Filmon ka star ban gaya
Kya
tu.
KAVIRAAJ
Haan.
Main ek bahut bade
film
ka music director ban gaya
hun.
RANGEELA
Are
bap re. Sach main. Kon see film
ka.
KAVIRAAJ
Ye
museebat kab peecha chodegi.
RANGEELA
Yaar
tu to badee kismatwala nikla.
KAVIRAAJ
Aisa
hee hai Rangeela bhai.
Chalo
main chalun. Bahut dukh
she
liye yahan.
RANGEELA
Bhai
koi Galati falti ho gayee
ho
to maaf ker dena.
KAVIRAAJ
Kiya.
Tumhari sab galtiyon ko maaf
kiya.
Main tum logon kee terh
nahin
hun. Kaviraaj ka dil bahut
bada
hai. Jai raam jee ki.
Kaviraaj
leaves.
INT.
APARTMENT – DAY
Raju comes in the
room. Raghu is eating a sandwich.
RAJU
Uff
gayee wo museebat.
RAGHU
Kya
baat ker raha hai.
RAJU
Haan.
Main khud dekh ker aa raha
hun.
RAGHU
Chalo.
Kam se kaam ab chain
kee
neend to aayegi.
RAJU
Lekin
ek mahine ke baad agar
vapas
aa gaya to.
RAGHU
Uska
plan bhee hai mere pass.
Don’t
worry.
INT.
APARTMENT – DAY
Minchi comes
with her tiffin.
MINCHI
Raghu.
Raju.
Raghu
and Raju come from another room.
RAGHU
Haan
minchi.
MINCHI
Kya
ker rahe ho tum dono.
RAGHU
Kuch
nahin. Bas tumhara intezar.
MINCHI
Sach
main. Hai mai mar jawan.
RAJU
Ye
is dabbe main kya hai Minchi.
MINCHI
Dabbe
main. Oh. Tum logon ke
favourite.
RAGHU
Machlee.
MINCHI
Haan.
Olive oil main bani.
RAGHU
Minchi
tum kitni acchee ho.
They
take the tiffin. Minchi starts dreaming. She dances with Raghu and Raju on –
tune mari entriyan song.
Raghu
and Raju go out.
Minchi
comes out of dream.
MINCHI
Raghu.
Raju. Ye donon kahan gaye.
INT.
RUBY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Ruby is doing
yoga. Just then Raghu and Raju come.
RAGHU
Hello
Ruby. Kya ker rahee ho.
RUBY
(WHISPERS TO HERSELF)
Oh.
Ye chepu fir se aa gaye.
RUBY
Kuch
nahin. Jara yoga ker rahee
thee.
RAGHU
Ok.
RAJU
Mujhe
bhee yoga ka bahut shok hai.
jab
bhee time milta hai main ker
leta
hun.
RAGHU
Dekho
Ruby. Hum tumhare liye kya
layein
hain.
RUBY
Kya.
RAGHU
Tumhari
favourite machli.
RUBY
eeeeeeeeeeee
RAGHU
Kya
hua.
RUBY
Wo..wo
aaj to mera fast hai. Ise
door
rakho.
RAJU
Oh.
RAGHU
Chalo
main aapke liye fast wale
chips
leker aatta hun.
RAJU
Aur
main fruit.
RUBY
Nahin
nahin. Main fast main kuch
nahin
khati.
RAJU
Wao.
Really ya hota hai asli fast.
Werna
log to fast ke naam per bori
bher
ke fruits kha jate hain.
RAGHU
Koi baat nahin. Hum log bhee
apke
sath yoga ker lete hain. Ek
do
naye aasan bhee seekhne ko milenge.
TARUN
Hi
Ruby.
RUBY
Oh
Tarun. Accha hua tum aa gaye.
TARUN
Haan.
Tumne bulaaya. Aur main na
aayun.
RUBY
Excuse
me guys. Mujhe kuch personal
baat
kerni hai. Main abhee aayee.
RAGHU
Sure.
Ruby
and Tarun go to bedroom. Raghu and Raju sit.
RAGHU
Yar. Ye kahan se tapka.
RAJU
Kahin
ye iska bf to nahin.
RAGHU
Pata
nahin yar.
Fir
to gadbad ho jayegi.
RAJU
Ruby
sirf hamari hai.
RAGHU
Aye.
Kya bakwas ker raha hai tu.
RAJU
Haan
teri gf aur meri bhabi.
RAGHU
Oh.
That way.
RAJU
Haan
aur kya.
RAGHU
Ab
kya karein.
RAJU
Wait
kerte hain.
INT.
RUBY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Ruby comes
with Tarun.
TARUN
Accha
main chalta hun.
RUBY
Ok.
Fir kal milte hain.
TARUN
Ya.
Bye.
RUBY
Bye.
Ruby
comes to room.
RUBY
Tum
dono abhee tak yaheen ho.
RAGHU
Haan.
Tumne hee to kaha tha.
RUBY
Kya
kaha tha.
RAGHU
Ki
baitho. Main abhee aayee.
RUBY
Sach
main. Kya maine aise kaha
tha.
RAGHU
Haan.
RUBY
Accha chodo.
RAJU
Ye
ladka tumhara bhai hai kya.
RUBY
Kyun.
RAJU
Nahin
wo shakl miltee hai tumse
bahut.
RUBY
Nahin.
Wo mera bhai nahin hai.
RAJU
Kya.
RAGHU
To
kya tumhara.
RUBY
What
nonsense. Main in chakkron
main
nahin padtee.
RAGHU
Matlab
wo tumhara bf nahin hai.
RUBY
Nahin.
RAJU
To
fir wo hai kon.
RUBY
Wo
casting director hai. Aur mera
friend
hai.
RAGHU
Oh.
Thank god. Hamari to sans hee
fool
gayee thee.
RUBY
Kya.
RAGHU
Nahin.
Wo pollution bahut hai na.
Iskee
sans fool jatee hai.
RAJU
Accha
Ruby tumhe kaisa bf chahiye.
RUBY
Maine
kaha na main in chakron
main
nahin padtee. Mera dhayan
sirf
apne carrier per hai.
RAJU
Bahut
acchee baat hai. Lekin
socho
tumhara carrier chal
nikala.
Fir to sochogee na bf
ke
bare main. To tum kya quality
dekhoge.
RUBY
Well
uske pass badee see gadi,
bada
sa banglow aur bada sa
balance
hona chahiye.
RAGHU
Bas.
Good. Very good.
RAJU
Ye
kee na tumne practical hindustani
ladkiyon
wali baat.
RUBY
Acha
muje raat ki party ke liye
taiyar
hona hai. Aap log jao.
RAGHU
Raat
kee party ke liye abhee se
taiyarr.
RUBY
Haan.
Makeup main time to lagta hai.
ok
bye.
RAGHU
Bye.
Raghu
and Raju go out.
INT.
APARTMENT – DAY
Raghu and Raju
are in room.
RAGHU
Yar
ye ladkee to patne ka naam
hee
nahin le rahee.
RAJU
Pategi
bhee nahin. Chod use.
RAGHU
Kyun
we. Kyun nahin pategi. Aise
kon
see kami hai mujhme.
RAJU
Suna
nahin usne kya kaha.
RAGHU
Kya.
RAJU
Gadi,
bangala, bank balance. Hai
tere
pass.
RAGHU
Hai nahin to ho jayega. Tu chinta
mat
ker.
INT.
APARTMENT – DAY
Raju comes
running.
RAGHU
O
bete.
MARK
Kya
hua.
RAJU
Kaviraaj
wapas aa raha hai.
RAGHU
Itni
jaldee. Chal mere sath.
Both
go out.
INT.
RANGEELA’S APARTMENT – DAY
Raghu
and Raju are standing with Rangeela ji.
RANGEELA
Ye
kya keh rahe ho tum dono.
RAJU
Hum
sach keh rahe hain.
RANGEELA
Kaviraaj
ko STD ho gayee
hai.
Sexually transmitted
disease.
RAGHU
Usi
ka ilaaj kerwane wo seher
gaya
tha. Lekin doctron ne mana
ker
diya.
RANGEELA
Kya.
RAJU
Haan.
Lekin ab wo bahut khaternaak
ho
chukka hai. wo aapse badla
lena
chahta hai.
RANGEELA
Kaisa
badla?
RAJU
Aapne
jo us se har mahine kiraya liya
tha
na uska badla.
RANGEELA
Wo
to mera right hai. Har tenant
landlord
ko kiraya deta hai.
RAJU
Lekin
aap bahut kiraya lete ho.
Isliye
wo chahata hai hum sabko
STD
laga de.
RAGHU
Aur
uski najar aapkee bholi-bhali
beti
per bhee hai.
RANGEELA
Kya.
RAGHU
Haan
dekha nahin. Wo jo riyaz
kerta
hai 4 baje uthker. Wo riyaj
nahin
uski code language thee.
Aapki
beti ko isharon main apne
pass
bulana chahta tha.
RANGEELA
Oh
god.
RAJU
Accha
hum chaltein hain. Humne
socha
aaap haamre landlord hain
aur
hamara itna khyal rekhte
hain
to aapko sari jaankari de
dein.
RANGEELA
Thank
you beta.
BOTH
Jai
raam jee ki.
RANGEELA
Jai
raam jee ki.
EXT.
COMPOUND GATE – DAY
Kaviraaj is on the door. Rhagu and Raju are
listening from behind.
RANGEELA
Aur
Kaviraaj. Bimari theek huee
ya
nahin.
KAVIRAAJ
Mujhe
maaf ker dijiye sir.
RANGEELA
Kya
hua. Tum to superstar banane
wale
the. Bahut bada producer
tumhe
offer deker gaya tha.
KAVIRAAJ
Mujhe
kinhi makaron ne thaga hai.
Maine
jaker pata kiya. Lekin aise
koi
company nahin thee.
RANGEELA
To
ab mere se kya chahta hai.
KAVIRAAJ
Mujhe
phir se mere kamara de
dijiye
kiraye per.
RANGEELA
Thik
hai. Lekin tere jane ke baad
real
estate main bahut uchhaal aaya
hai.
Rent badh gaya hai.
KAVIRAAJ
Kya.
Ok bataiye kya rent hai.
RANGEELA
15
lakh.
KAVIRAAJ
15
lakh
RANGEELA
Per
month.
KAVIRAAJ
Kya.
ha ha. Dimag kaharab ho gaya
hai
kya.
RANGEELA
Dekh,
lena hai to le nahin to foot
yahan
se.
KAVIRAAJ
Pagal
ho gaya hai kya buddhe
tu.
Sathiya gaya hai kya.
RANGEELA
Buddha
hoga tera baap. Chal nikal
yahan
se.
KAVIRAAJ
Jehanumm
milega tujhe. Keede padenge.
RANGEELA
Tujhe
to abhee se pad chuke hain.
Chal
dafa ho ja.
Kaviraaj
goes away.
Raghu
and Raju give a Hi-FI and laugh.
THE
END
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